The “Break it Down” Blog

I’ve always identified myself as a “scientific person”. I have a Computer Science degree (virtual high-five to Laurence Hartje), I’ve been obsessed with computers and technical gadgetry since I was 10 (virtual high-five to Grant Gochnauer) and I glommed onto software development at the age of 12 and have loved it ever since. I pretty much always assumed that I was a walking robot — with a sense of humor.

My dad is very precision-minded… if he sets out to do something, he draws it up, plans it out and executes it a step at a time. That sounds like me, I like planning, I like execution, I like precision — so I pretty much have always assumed I was a “technical guy”, a “logical shitbag” as it were, until 3 days ago.

I noticed that when I go through bouts of no programming or I have nothing worth-while to work on, I actually get depressed. It’s really subtle, and I was never able to pinpoint it until recently. I also cannot just start “coding” anything and suddenly be happy, there has to be a purpose to what I’m doing and the purpose, 9 times out of 10, has to be building something that will help people. I can’t just build a porn downloader or a hilarious cat-picture-shuffler, it’s got to be something really useful that makes a person go “Goddamn, this is awesome…”

We had lunch the other day with some good friends, she’s one of the leading psychologists in Tucson and we got to talking about what our passions were. When I mentioned that I had some inkling that it might be “… programming” and how that “made no sense to me”, she jumped in with:

Oh no, it’s very common for technical people to be very creative… programming is your artistic outlet. Some people play the piano or paint to get their artistic energy out — you program.

Seriously? I’m artistic?

… ok I guess I can see it, I do have the following personality traits:

• I love flexible rules, gray areas
• I hate rigid unmovable/absolute things
• I like flexible people, creativity, humor
• I love opportunities around every corner, excitement
• Myers-Briggs says I’m an ENFJ
• … if time allows it, I love treating code as art, it’s so much prettier that way

Hmmm, ok those sound a lot like personality traits that a 1st year art student would have. I guess I am artistic.

One of the best things I’ve done in the recent past was to take a detailed Myers-Briggs test and learn what my personality type is and more about my personality type. My triggers, things that motivate me, things that de-motivate me and so on.

Prior to this I was struggling with feeling motivated to wake up in the morning, but afterward I had a better understanding exactly as to “why” I was feeling this way. Most all of it had to do with lack of opportunities, I was getting too set in a pattern that was turning into my day-in-day-out life and that was killing me inside slowly. I found different ways to inject some excitement into my life to combat that without needing to uproot the family and move to Guam… which was plan B.

I’d recommend anyone feeling a general sense of milase or depression to do the same — if for no other reason than just to learn a bit more about themselves. You might find something that speaks to you instantly and let you know what it is you have to change to make your life better for you.

So in closing, if you are a technical person, you might be a closet artist too… if you are, don’t discredit how happy coding might make you. If you are currently dying a slow death programming at a big company on nothing that interests you or feeds your soul, try and start a side project to get your brain flowing again. You need to take this seriously if this is really what feeds your soul.

Not wanting to get out of bed in the morning is probably the worst feeling in the world for us creative types.